midnight rant (writer's block)

I hate it when I get a writer's block and I end up staring blankly at my computer screen, thinking hard on what suitable or witty remarks I could type on my blog and in the end I deleted all the entries or let those posts accumulated in my blog, and then whenever I write I would usually be this obsessive, perfectionist girl who meticulously plan her writing which can sometimes leave me exhausted. I really need to stop being all worked up about writing a blog. I mean blog supposed to be a place to rant, vent, muse, not a thesis or an essay that's going to be marked by an examiner. Let loose Najwa! The problem with me is that sometimes I cannot even expressed my ideas in writing form due to lack of vocabulary and my inability to elaborate it eloquently...My brain as usual, during an unlikely time it would said 'oh my god, I got this awesome idea! We're so gonna write (insert some awesome ideas here)' and then when I'm front of the computer , my brain suddenly freezes and then the stare-blankly-at-a-blank-post begins.

And what's with me suddenly having a flood of inspirations (is this a right expression? I don't even know) at an unexpected or unlikely time, like during midnight, when I'm taking a shower, when I'm studying and even when I'm eating, seriously brain seriously? I cannot even..

So in the end, I creep back to my bed and sink into frustration as I cannot even finish a post because  all those ideas that's been in your mind suddenly vanished and all I could do is blankly staring at the computer screen or sleep instead. Instead of trying to finish the post I earlier wrote I decided to rant about my writer's block instead because writer's block ruin my life. Curse you writer's block!

16 years of living

“Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had, and what you’ve learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.”-Unknown

14th Nov was my birthday, but I didn't celebrate it with a wild party or any party at all. My birthday was celebrated in advance ,during the weekend, it was nothing grand just a fun and personal time with my family. I never really view 14th Nov as a grand 'heck yeah I'm the birthday girl!' day, I just thought of it as another day to survive, another day of creating memories and learn a few life lessons, but it would be a lie to say I don't expect a few birthday wishes from my friends, perhaps if I'm lucky a present or two from someone. This year is no different than the other except a delight surprise that during my birthday I became immensely popular in facebook and my profile was filled  with people posting birthday wishes to me, but then again it was always like that... and oh of course an actual delightful surprise I received from Hani, she gave me three wonderful presents from her. She said she was indecisive what to give me for my birthday but I thought it was well thought out gifts, she gave me a mug (?) with a cute panda printed on it and 2 photo frame that each has a meaningful poem on it, I smile reading those poem and as embarrassing as it sounds I think I could cry a little by reading it

Beautiful words make Najwa cries
God I sound so cliched but still I appreciated it so much that I grinned gleefully and I felt to brag about it to the whole world 'LOOK WORLD! I RECEIVED NOT ONE,NOT TWO BUT THREE GIFTS!',
I took note to give her a more meaningful gift than what I gave her for her birthday this year, an amateurish poem that I send to her via FB. I am ashamed of myself but it's the thought that count right? As my birthday fell on school day and on the first day of SPM, I spent almost a whole day in school, playing Saidina with awesome peeps like Najla, Nadhirah, Aida, Sarah and Artiqha. Oh and I received a message from Mas wishing me a happy birthday  and she apologised for wishing it late, truthfully I didn't mind at all, as long as people still remembers it, I'm fine with it, oh I think I'm going to cry again.

You know, as I grow up I realise something, that I am both terrified and elated about the future, as 14th Nov marks the day that I am officially 16, I cannot stop but to think about the future, about what had happened to me so far, how much life lesson I've learned this year, how much heartache I'd endured, how much tears of joys and sorrow I'd shed and how much have I grown up. It's silly to worry so much at a tender age of 16 but I cannot help but to fret at the future, at how fast the time pace, at how it seems like yesterday I was this gawky form 1 student who is clueless about everything and how it hits me that next year I'll be siting my SPM.  I realise that as much as I plan obsessively about my future, planning and re-planning what I'm going to be, deep in my heart or any other internal organs that I don't want to grow up, I don't want to leave my home, I don't want to leave my family, I don't want to leave my mom (mock me as you like, I am proud to say I am a mommy's girl), that maybe all this planning, all the enthusiastic discussion with my friends about the future is perhaps a way for me to escape from reality, to escape my problems and to give an assurance that there is a brighter future awaits me and the present time is like an irritating guard with a moustache and donut crumbs on  his left cheek that blocks your way from your future, that I cling on my idealistic future so much that I lost my view on the present that when I pull myself back I realise that I do not want to grow up, no not yet, I am not ready for all the crap that life would throw at me. But as much as pray for time to wait until I'm ready, it will not wait and it will pass by me because that's just what time do. Pass you without even looking at you.

 I guess since I'm 16 now I should stop and reflect on my life a bit, I look back at my life I realise that I'd learn and experience so much that is more invaluable than what I  learn in the classroom. I learn that life likes to throw crap at you, you will experience a lot of twist of fate that you never thought you would encounter and life is far more elusive and ironically is more dramatic than soap operas. You would lose and gain friends, heartache will occur now and then in your life, you'll get hurt so much that all you could do is cry, rage, make an emotional outburst for awhile and then ponder and suck it up, as much as it hurts you, there's nothing left you can do but to suck it up and gain lessons from it. You realise that you do have a lot of regrets and fears, but you also realise you cannot use this as a ticket to blame others and yourself, you need as said before suck it up and move on. You realise that the older you are the more sadder you be, and even though you're wiser now it still not guarantees you that you won't be making idiotic and embarrassing mistakes, because trust me you would. All those mistakes you made are going to make you stronger, wiser, and you try to learn from it. You will make mistakes countless of times before you get it but it doesn't matter because that's life. You must not let yourself be cruel or mean to people because you're better than that. You realise that you can't make all people happy and what matters the most right now is about you, yourself. It's not selfish but it's a matter of survival, no one is going to heal you and no one is going to fully understand you, as much as they try and as much love they give, you already know that this is not enough, and after all those bruises you get you finally know that it's noble to think about others, to try to please others, but it's not okay to let yourself drown in misery and to let yourself be exhausted and beaten down, to let yourself be bruised, to make yourself feel ridiculed and to confuse yourself even more. Don't let yourself be a masochist and love yourself more, have more respect with yourself, putting others before you while at the same time do not overdo it until you do not consider your own feelings and beliefs. You realise that sometimes things don't last, and you have to accept that with a willing heart. You realise that you need to live based on what things that makes you happy not others. In life, you could never predict what will happen and you have to face it with brave and confidence and no matter what life throws at you, all you need to be strong is 3 things, first , remember that God is always there to listen faithfully all your woes and He loves you,even if you feel that you've mountain of sins and feel shameful that you repeatedly turn your back on Him, never lose faith on him because Allah said, ‘O son of Adam! If you mention Me to yourself, I will mention you to Myself. If you mention Me in a gathering, I will mention you in a gathering of the angels (or in a better gathering). If you draw closer to Me by a hand span, I will draw closer to you by forearm’s length. If you draw closer to Me by a forearm’s length, I will draw closer to you by an arm’s length. And if you come to Me walking, I will come to you running” (Bukhari), second, remember that your loved ones will always be there for you, and their love is strong enough for you to make a shield and wield your way through the cold harsh life and third that to be optimistic because when all things seem to crumble down, your hope is the only thing that'll keep you going. That's what I learn after living my life for 16 years and this is what I'll keep telling myself because I have a long way to go, 16 years and counting.

purpose of le blog and random things

I don't know what's the purpose of this blog, is it to record my chaotic, monotonous and perhaps exciting life so that I could keep track on things and I could read back everything that had happened to me when I'm older? or is it for me to vent and pour my heart out and a medium for me to express my eccentric, erratic and peculiar mind? Truthfully I'm not so sure and I don't mind at all. Perhaps this blog would be a combination of the records of my life and for me  to vent. Maybe when I'm older I could scroll and look back at my old posts, the ones I wrote when I'm 16 and rebelling , I would chuckle, shed a few tears and maybe smile a little, you know, I think that is one of the sole purpose why I'm writing this blog. It's because I want to see how much I've grown as a person, whether I am changing for the better or worse, to reflect a few things and last and most definitely to reminisce those moments, those memories that will always be in my heart and will be altered slightly in my brain, yes it's been scientifically proven that those memories that we remembered are changed a bit by the brain. Oh and this blog can also be a way for me to brush up my writing skills and improve my poor vocabulary, seriously I always envied those people that could compose such beautiful words effortlessly, they write and speak such exquisite and beautiful words that astound me while I'm stuck with my pitiful vocabulary and grammar skills. Oh well, I still have a lot of time and I really need to read a lot more books, books and literature here I come!

Next year I'm in 5sc2 baby

*this post is gonna be a long, boring, redundant, lack of witty remarks. Oh look a few gifs and pics to lighten up this post!
The result was out and as expected I'm in 5sc2, initially and obviously I was a teensy bit dissapointed but yeah based from my results I already figured that out but wouldn't it miraculous that I made into 5sc1 no? Anyway I figured that by writing this post it could make me contemplate on things, praying for some things, what are my goals in 5sc2..... and other boring ,I-can-make-people-fall-asleep stuffs. Okay so first let's rewind back to Wednesday, the day I knew my result. As I was busy scrolling and stalking people  on my facebook, I noticed that Artiqha, my friend and my future classmate asked me my I.C. no, before I gave it to her I was a bit suspicious and then it hit me, oh my god THE RESULT IS OUT

I , the awkward Najwa as fast as lightning, as fast as the Flash browse the SAPS (or is it SAP?) website, entered my IC no and then clicked 'Peperiksaan Akhir Tahun' and then DUN DUN DUN my slip keputusan, I checked my kedudukan tingkatan and it turned out I'm in the 55th place.. dang, I was a bit dissapointed, still am actually but yeah, I just sat there like


So I got back to Facebook and gave my I.C. no to Atiqha and we exchanged our I.C. no. so we could compare our result. My result wasn't that excellent or attention worthy but it was good and showing a significant improvement . I lied, it only show a slight improvement. Moving on, it turned out that Artiqha and I are going to be classmates and I think maybe Anis would join us as well. The 4 geniuses (Aida, Sarah, Nadhi, Najla) are in 5sc1 so congrats to them! So as I struggling to compose my random and chaotic thoughts into words, I decided that I would like to contemplate and plan what I would like to do next year, in 5sc2 to be exact and also a few things I would like to hope for.

You know those sayings 'There's a bright side in everything' and 'There's a ray of hope' and all that stuff? Yeah I'm clinging on that and I put almost all my faith that next year gonna turn out okay. I'm going to look this in a more positive light and stop fretting or feel sorry for myself , so here's a list I would like to accomplish in 5sc2
Le List Of What I Want To Accomplish In 5sc2 (and the logics and reasons behind those goals)
1) Be in top 10 in class (less competitions, gonna be more kiasu next year, less competitions... to show that I can do it) 
2) Mingle with other classmates and socialise more ( I need to brush up my socialising skills and things can get lonely sometimes)
I seriously need to stop acting like this with my classmates 

3) Stop caring about insignificant things and stop being damn sensitive and live by the motto below(because I end up looking foolish and weak)

5) Focus on the teacher when he/she teaches and studying too (could cut time revising by focusing on the teacher and SPM next year)

'Your words are fascinating my teachers'
6) Cut down the procrastination ( it will only lead you to the dark side Najwa)
So there you go, those short list of things I would like to accomplish in 5sc2, pretty simple but nonetheless vital for me if I want to get admission in UM or gain a scholarship and to be more.. happier I guess. Oh yeah there's only one or two things I hope and pray would not gonna happen next year.
1) Being in the same class with annoying people or the people/person I despise, next year I don't want turn around and see them and be like (since words cannot describe the horror I feel, I let the gifs explains it)

class placement rants

So I decided to private my blogs for a while because of a few reasons, first because I would like to rant about anything without feeling guilty or anything. Second because I just feel like it. Okay first let's start with the ranting, and let me get started with possibly one of the most boring, people-die-because-of-this-topic topic which is the placement of class next year. Yes, it's boring and yes it doesn't really matter but lately I realised that there's a hidden 'kiasu' in me and I have this urge to want, or maybe specifically I need to be in 5sc1. That and another reason is and possibly quite a personal one is that I feel that I don't fully belong in my current class and I feel a better sense of belonging in 4sc1, surely if someone read this they would go 'Oh, you gerenti ke your friends in 4sc1 go to 5sc1 next year?' well of course I don't guarantee that and I'm positively sure some of them will go to 5sc2 and vice versa but then again perhaps I would feel a bit better in 5sc2 next year like they said 'the grass is greener on the other side' , some people would say 'alaaa takpe, kelas tak penting, yang penting belajar.' Yes of course it didnt but I need to learn in a conducive environment because I'll be sitting my freaking SPM next year. I don't know , I'm 16 and have a major teenage angst and maybe 5sc2 gonna be way more awesome than 5sc1, possibly less pressure and the teachers are more easygoing or something. Maybe just maybe but for now I'll pray that I'll be in 5sc1 next year. End of rant.